On Respect

I have always been a firm believer in respect. The whole aspect of respect or being respectful seems to have been forgotten about in this fast paced thing we call life.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I have been loyal to the people in my life who have deserved it, and at times to people who didn't. I always "had their backs" even if I didn't agree with what it was that they were doing. I didn't ask why; I may have added an opinion, but if they chose not to listen, I still respected their decisions.

I just mentioned loyalty. I started thinking about this the other day, and realized that respect is definitely different from loyalty, but without respect, one can never be truly loyal. I would find it most challenging to be loyal to someone I did not respect. I was indeed caught in a weird situation—one I had been faced with before, but never on such a personal level.

A family member of mine was slipping up. He had no focus, no control, and no remorse for his actions. He was beginning to take for granted the respect I showed him. I believe he didn't care. I stepped in with an intervention of sorts, sat him down, had a heart to heart talk. I shared my feelings; he did as well, and I truthfully believed he was going to make an effort to change. I believed him because of my respect I have for family. Their word in my books was and always has been golden.

Two weeks pass, and although I see a small attempt at change from him, things are getting bad again. Only this time it was worse. I had considered his actions as disrespect the first time, and now I don't have a word for it, maybe adding blatant before disrespect would help but it would not be strong enough. He was once again without remorse for his actions. He even had the audacity to try and shift some of the blame my way. Regardless of this, I stuck by him, had another long talk, this time with conditions, and made it perfectly clear that family is family, but I will not be disrespected, and taken for granted, and still be a friend. This is what was so confusing to me.

Can you just up and choose when to be loyal? When to be respectful? It is in my blood, I feel as if I have to be loyal. When I was younger, I did time in jail for many things I didn't have complete ownership of, and the other guilty parties didn't do a day, because I kept my mouth shut. Really I never even thought about it, I would never disrespect my friends, and show no loyalty by becoming a rat. This situation was different to me though. I felt as if he was in a sense ratting me out. I felt no respect, and because of his blatant disregard for my feelings, he was showing a serious lack of loyalty. What to do? What to do?

I thought it over for a very long while, I consulted other friends on the matter, and they all had mixed opinions. On one hand was it worth my effort to remain loyal, to remain respectful to someone who has not chosen to do the same? On the other hand should I give up now, cut my losses and just move on? I couldn't see a positive outcome from either action; also I couldn't see myself doing either one. I still had some thinking to do.

By this time many months had passed. Once again I noticed a slight improvement in his life, but in all honesty, I never felt respected in the least. His words were full of lies and deceit. He never once actually said sorry, besides the "sorry I was caught" routine. He began to make me feel as if I was the problem, and that I was the one with the problem, and I did not, for one second like it. I had at that point had enough, things needed to change, and quickly at that.

I came to my breaking point a few weeks later. I just did not care anymore. I heard the same stories again about his actions. I didn't care. His friends came to me with their concerns, and at one point I would have listened whole heartedly, this time I did not care. Other family members came to me asking for me to help him out. Just a short time ago it would have happened without question, this time however I did not care. It was amazing this way. I didn't feel stressed out anymore. I didn't have that uneasy feeling in my stomach anymore. I could get a full night rest again. I could focus on other things again. To me this was, well heavenly. This did not last long though.

I felt better than ever, things on my end were going smooth as ever, I wasn't cranky anymore and life seemed perfect, well almost anyways. I just couldn't get over the fact that I had in a sense abandoned someone I cared about, just for personal gains. I am not talking money here, but peace and comfort. I felt selfish. I felt as if I had been disloyal, not to him so much but to myself. I wasn't like this. I am not a quitter. I basically for a moment realized that it was impossible for me to respect myself, if I was not loyal to my own beliefs, and disowning someone in need, especially family was not part of my belief structure. I needed to do something.

I pondered on a few scenarios for awhile, I even went as far as writing a letter to him explaining how I felt, and went just short of apologizing for my actions. I couldn't bring myself to apologize, since I still felt betrayed and disrespected. I never gave him the letter, but I did apologize. I didn't apologize for giving up; I apologized for my inherent ability to care. I know that seems strange, but really I felt that because I cared so much for his wellness, I may have overlooked the obvious. He wasn't trying to disrespect me, or be disloyal, he just didn’t know what it meant, and I, because of my recent decision to stop caring was not being a good teacher.

I sat him down this time with a close friend of ours, and went over what it means to be down. I started the conversation off with this is in no way a personal attack; I just feel that when we talk everything seems to just go over your head in a way. This seemed to put him at ease. It seemed as for the first time he was listening, but not only listening but understanding. He seemed for the first time to understand that his actions, good or bad, affected everyone that cares about him. He seemed to understand that other people's feelings are just as important as his own, and that being a disrespectful, disloyal person had its consequences. I was proud of him, a feeling I haven't had for him a long, long time.

I came to the conclusion that in life showing someone respect and being loyal to someone is a choice. One however can only be able to make that choice, if they are aware of what it means to do so. I also realized that giving up on someone, even if you truthfully believe you should, is just the easy way out. I believe that in order to be respected, and in order for someone to be loyal to you, you must respect and be loyal back. Giving up falls into neither category.

It has been a couple weeks now since the last talk. I have seen once again some small improvements. I have also seen some small declines. In the end, he is my brother; I can not and will not stop trying. I will always be there for him. Does he respect this? Only he could tell you.

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